Facing Some Fears...
Hi everyone!
So this is a blogpost that I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted to write, but I figured that as the whole point of my blog is to act like a little diary of my life, something this major had to be included no matter how rubbish it might be. Writing this blog post means sharing some things about myself that a lot of people in my every day life don't even fully know about and the prospect of sharing those things with the entire internet wasn't one I entered to lightly, so please, go easy on me!
Anyway, many of you reading won't know that since I was five I've had some pretty bad health problems, they aren't something that I've shared on my blog as I try very hard to lead as normal a life as I possibly can and for the most part, I succeed. I don't want my blog to be about my health issues, but these issues have led to some pretty rubbish hurdles now that I'm in my twenties. Having to have so many invasive procedures at such a young age obviously takes its toll and from about the age of five I've suffered from a very severe needle phobia.
Now at this point I just want to pop in a little disclaimer because you're probably all sat there thinking 'Soph, what about the tattoos' - the honest answer is that I know that it's weird and it took a lot for me to get them but by the same token, my tattoos are something I wanted. They all mean a huge amount to me and they're something I chose to put on my body- chemo, scars, needles and operations weren't choosable things, they absolutely had to be done. Plus, needle wise, tattoo needles move so fast you can barely see them so it's not been too much of an issue...
Anyway, huge tangent... But, it's got to a point in my life where heavy sedation for every needle based procedure isn't a practical option, nor is blacking out and going just a little bit mad when someone comes near me with a pointy implement. With routine scans required on a 6 monthly basis and needles required for those on the horizon for the foreseeable future, I would much rather it be an in and out affair, I don't want to have to spend any more time at the hospital than I absolutely have to!
Coupled with this is a huge amount of anxiety and panic. I've had panic attacks since I was 12 (something that I'm pretty reluctant to speak about due to the 'attention seeking' connotations that seem permanently attached and the 'what have you got to panic about' questionings) but anyway, these have been getting more and more common (up to once a day some weeks) and they're getting in the way of my life which I hate. When you're 22 and can't even pop into town on your own because you're so scared you'll have a panic attack, something's gotta give.
That's where a brilliant little thing called hypnotism comes in. It was suggested by my doctor and support nurse and I must admit I was initially pretty sceptical. You think hypnotism and you instantly think swinging watches and that man from Little Britain. I'd had it in the past for the same reasons, but being in a bit of an angsty teen stage and thinking it was all a load of rubbish, I dismissed it as not working and never went to another session. This time though, I know that I need to stop burying my head in the sand and tackle these things head on instead of just accepting them as part and parcel of my life - they're part of it yes, but I won't allow them to take over entirely, so I agreed to a session or two.
My first session was on Monday and as ridiculous as it seems, it was the first time in years that it seemed like there's an actual way out of feeling like I do. We talked through some things and discussed possible reasons for my phobia and I was given some Mindfulness techniques to practice at home. Now at the risk of sounding a bit Gap Yah and a bit 'yah, yah, I went to Bali and found myself' on you all, it was a bit of a revelation. To sit there and focus entirely on something and actually be in the moment, not overthinking and panicking about having another panic attack or dwelling on the past or thinking about what's to come, was unbelievably refreshing. For a mind thats in absolute overdrive 24/7 it was nice to just shut off for a few minutes.
I know it's only the first session and I have a pretty lengthy road ahead with weekly visits but as it's hopefully going to bring quite a change in my life, I thought you all might be interested in coming along with me (not literally of course- there's afair few of you now and you simply won't fit in the car!) Plus, I hope it will inspire those of you with similar problems, you don't have to just deal with things and accept them as they are , there's ways to help.
Hope you're all having a lovely week.
If one person reads and is affected by this in a positive way, then job done. Xxx
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